Are you really here?
by bluesraine
Summary: Jane met somebody, and Maura is leaving. Can they live without each other? "This, you and me, this is something… I have been dreaming of you. But I want… to dream with you. You are my challenge, and my comfort."  - Complete, J&R, for sure :


Summary:

Jane met somebody, and Maura is leaving. Can they live without each other? "This, you and me, this is something… I have been dreaming of you. But I want… to dream with you. You are my challenge, and my comfort."

Authors Note: I just borrowed them during a lonely, dark night, and imagined they were mine. Lyrics belong to Markéta Irglová and Glen Hansard – If you want me, Characters belong to Tess Gerritsen.

* * *

**Are you really here?**

_"Are you really here, or am I dreaming?_

_I can__'t tell dream from truth. _

_It__'s been so long since I have seen you."_

It was a cold day, snow kept falling. She stared into the white for a moment, lost in a thought until the beeping sound of an incoming email brought her back to reality. Damn snow, she hated it as much as the cold it brought along. She should have thought about this before she came here.

It was her first winter here. She came to New York almost ten months ago. A year ago, she quit her old job, needed a change, and a fresh start. It was a quick and quiet decision, one she did on her own, for herself. A year ago, when she couldn't take it any more, she decided to leave her job, and life, and her…

For a second, the memory came up. The memory of things that happened. All the things that changed her life. Memories of her. And they brought back the pain she was trying to hide.

Seventeen month ago, Jane and Frankie were shot. It had been a horrible day, when so many people had to die. The fear she saw in Jane's eyes when she told her Frankie he was about to die. The sound of Jane's voice, when she told Maura she needs to help him. Then, the moment Jane ran. Maura knew something terrible would happen, and when she stormed outside the door only to see Jane shooting herself to kill the guy behind her. She remembered every single second. The shot, the cry, Jane crashing to the ground… all the blood.

Jane was in the hospital for quiet a while, and Maura visited her daily. She never heard the detective complain about the pain, or being stuck to that bed. But Maura knew better, she knew Jane hated every single second. She knew her friend felt useless, that she wanted to be back on the street, fighting against evil. Jane never said a word about the wound, and even Maura didn't understand this. She dismissed the thought and imagined Jane accepted that as normal risk of her job.

But the day she started her physical therapy everything changed.

There was a guy, Tom, as motivated as Jane. They challenged each other, they joked and mocked, and they spent a great deal of time together. He was a cop as well, a guy with a long tradition of male cops in the family, a very proud man. When Maura met him the first time, he and Jane were doing push ups., It started innocent enough, then slowly became a compition to see who could do more faster. When both couldn't do any more they fell back to the ground laughing. And right there, out of the blue, the feeling everything would change hit Maura.

Jane got along well with Tom. When their therapies ended, they continued seeing each other. They went out, did their sports together. They talked about their jobs, about cool new guns. They took Joe Friday for walks. Sometimes he picked her up after work.

Maura wasn't jealous. In fact, she was happy to see Jane alive, happy and smiling. But she missed her. They didn't see each other much anymore beside work. Only occasionally now did they go to the bar to share a drink and the sleepovers have almost stopped completely. Maura became more and more quiet. And when she went home alone after work, she realized how much she missed Jane in her daily life.

With that, she started thinking about what Jane meant to her, how much she felt for her. Or what exactly did she feel? She couldn't really tell. She had never dated a woman before or even thought about it- but maybe, just she always had an idea…

All she really knew was how much she needed Jane, and how important she was.

She never said a word though. She didn't want to hurt her friends feelings, didn't want to mess up anything when Jane was so happy. But to Maura, it felt like she was losing Jane and a huge part of her life, and slowly, loneliness grabbed her heart and wouldn't let go.

And the day she surprisingly saw Tom in the city, coming out of a jewellery store with a small black back in his hands and a huge smile spread all over his face, she knew it was too late to say something.

That was the day she decided she needed to do something- and so, she pulled a few strings, and half a week later she quit her job. All she told Jane it was about a project, the chance to work internationally. A great opportunity to increase hergain experience and learn new techniques.

What she didn't tell Jane was that it was only a three week long workshop in France, and then after that, she would go to New York to work for the city. And Jane never asked.

* * *

Memories. Maura took a deep breath. She didn't want to live in those memories any more. That was the reason she never contacted Jane. Talking to her, knowing she would be happy smiling and have a fulfilled life wouldn't make things easier. Maura shook her head. She hoped Jane was fine, but she couldn't keep thinking about it, it still hurt. So, she buried the memories again.

She liked her job- she always did. She was good with dead people, and to her, it didn't really matter where her lab was. That's all she needed, a metal table, a scalpel and a dead body to work with. She understood death better than life, and death never hurt her as much as life could.

Maura took another deep breath, pulled her warming scarf a little bit tighter and looked down at her work. She had a lot of bodies this week. A combination of snow and sick colleagues flooded her with work. She didn't mind to cover as much as possible, at least she had something useful to do. When she was done with the last autopsy, it was well after noon. She had been in the lab over night. She locked the remains away and cleaned the lab.

On her way home she stopped at a store to get food. She was tired and freezing when she arrived at her home. Her hands were shaking; she had problems unlocking the door. _'Stupid cold_' she thought. Finally, the door swung open.

Suddenly, she heard a familiar voice. "Maura."

Maura jumped and dropped her bag. When she turned around she saw _her _sitting on the stairs. "Jane" her voice was just a whisper.

Jane – that was all she could think.

She wanted to run and hug her and tell her how much she missed her. But the angry look in Jane's beautiful eyes held her back.

"Jane" she repeated.

"Obviously you remember my name" Jane snapped.

"Why wouldn't I remember your name? We've known each other for a while and you still look the same?…"

Jane threw her hands in the air and cut her off. "Oh, don't give me that."

Maura took a step back, almost stumbled over her groceries. She quickly started to gather the things together, and suddenly felt even colder then before. "Would you like to come in?" she offered.

Without a word Jane followed her. She looked around and quickly observed the apartment. It wasn't as stylish as the old place, but it was modern and clean. It didn't look like she would be around much though.

"Where is the turtle?" she asked.

"Tortoise" corrected Maura as usual. "Bass is sleeping. Tortoises need their winter sleep. He is in the storage room, in a big box with a lot of leaves and dirt. He digs in there, and when he starts cooling off he falls into a deep sleep. He will wake up in early spring."

"Fun" the brunette murmured.

Maura didn't know what to say, Jane's presence made her nervous. She looked around and started to unpack the bag. . "I will make a pizza" she announced then, "I can't even remember the last time I'd eaten. Work has been very busy this week." She opened the premade dinner and put it on a griddle. After 5 minutes, the pizza was ready and placed in the oven.

Finally, Maura turned around and found Jane looking at her. She realized both of them were still in their jackets. She opened hers and held her hand out for Jane's. They put their shoes in the hallway, hung up the jackets. "Jane, do you mind if I take a quick shower? I just came out of work and would prefer some fresh clothes and… you know."

"Rubbing the death off." Jane shrugged. She plopped down on the couch and pulled out her cell phone. Maura decided she would be okay for a moment, and took a hot shower. After she changed into something more comfortable, she checked on the pizza, which was almost ready. She opened some juice and took the glasses into the living room, and then she got the pizza.

They ate in silence. When Jane leaned back after that, she looked at Maura. She looked so tired, like she hadn't slept in days; her eyes didn't glance any more. She went back to wondering what happened.

Maura could tell Jane was looking at her. "Why are you here?" she finally found the strength to ask.

"I have been looking for you" Jane quietly answered. "You just left."

"I had a new job."

"What was wrong with the old one? I thought you liked working in the morgue, and… with me."

"I did." Maura looked up.

"So why did you leave then?"

"I… Jane, I got this project and it was a great opportunity…"

"Oh don't give me that crap again, Maura" Jane hissed. "I can tell you are lying; I always could and you still don't know how to lie well. You told me you will work abroad to increase your knowledge and skills. I thought you would come back after that."

Maura sank deeper into the pillows and pulled her cold feet onto the couch. Her eyes started tearing up; she blinked a few times to fight the tears back. "I never said anything about that. I was in France. Then I came here. It's a good job. I didn't lie."

"Why didn't you come back?"

"I couldn't, okay?" Maura couldn't help but raise her voice.

That second, her phone rang. "Damn. I need to get that." She grabbed the phone. "Isles." She listened for a while. "Isn't there anybody else, Stu? I was in the morgue almost all week, I'm exhausted and tired, I haven't slept in over 24 hours…" She ran her hand over her face. "Okay, I will be over."

She hung up. "Listen, I need to get this. Most of my colleges are sick, so I am the only one available. It is around the corner and I need to confirm a double suicide. , I don't know how long that will take. You are welcome to stay, but I understand if you won't." She took her jacket and left.

* * *

It took almost two hours. It was already dark when she came home and Maura could barely stand on her feet. When she came back, the apartment was silent. She sighed. Jane must have left, Maura couldn't really blame her. She kicked off her boots, stretched out on the couch and grabbed a blanket. She zapped through the TV channels for a moment and just curled up when Jane came into the room.

Maura wasn't sure if she was hallucinating and over tired. "I thought you already left" she murmured.

"Yes, I… laid down. I didn't know when you would come home. I… god Maura, I was so angry when I found out you are here… when I realized you didn't plan on coming back… but… but you are not well and I don't want to shout at you when you are like this. I can sleep on the couch but you need to go to bed and sleep."

"It is not that late." She yawned.

Jane pulled Maura up. "Come on, you look horrible you need some sleep." She led Maura to the bedroom.

Maura sat down and looked at her. "You can sleep here if you want" she quietly said. "I mean it's not that late so… you are probably not tired."

Jane went around the bed to lay down on the other side. She carefully pulled the blanket over Maura, who curled up and looked at her. "Jane" she whispered. "You are really here." Then, she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Maura woke up a few hours later. The bed next to her was empty, the room was dark. She reached out; almost afraid it was just a dream. But the sheets were warm. She smiled and got up. The floor was cold. She found Jane on the couch, watching a movie.

"Did I wake you?" she asked.

"No, I'm okay." Then she realized Jane was wearing one of Maura's flannels, her hair was wet.

"Uhm, I took a shower."

"Okay." Maura could just stare at Jane. Then she shook her head. "I will change as well." She quickly escaped to the bathroom and shut the door from the inside. She had to lean against it for a moment to catch her breath. She didn't know what to do, what to say. She washed her face with warm water; let her hands rest on it. Then she changed into her pajamas.

She found Jane in the kitchen. She slowly came closer. Jane was humming along to a song from the radio, and working on something. "I'm making sandwiches", Jane explained. "Sit down on the couch, dinner is ready."

Maura looked in the living room, where a candle was lit and a bottle of wine was opened to breathe. She sat down, and Jane served the sandwiches. She tried one, and it tasted great. "Mhh" Maura mumbled.

Jane smiled.

"When did you learn to cook?"

"I had a lot of time…"

"I guess Tom appreciates that." It slipped out before Maura could stop herself.

The detective could only stare at her. For a second or two, Maura could see her thinking. "Tell me" Jane said, her voice quiet yet filled with anger, "you didn't run off because of Tom."

When Maura didn't answer- and she didn't really have to because the answer was written all over her face- Jane jumped up. "You left because of Tom?" she almost shouted. "Because of Tom?"

Maura took a sip of her wine. "One day, I saw him coming out of a jewellery store. He had a small bag, he got you a ring." She looked at the detective. "Right? He got you a ring and proposed."

"Yes, he did."

Maura got up, her hands shaking, her body trembling. "I knew it."

"You left me because of him?"

"I left because you didn't need me any more" she whispered. "You had him. We rarely saw each other."

"And that was your decision to make? How can you decide if I need you in my life or not?" She finally shouted at her, she couldn't believe it. Anger flashed through her body again, and she slowly lost control.

Maura stared back. "You were so busy. You didn't even notice me around any more Jane. You were all in love, and I was delighted you were happy."

"Don't be so patronizing!"

"I am not, I was really happy" the ME shouted back.

"Then why on earth did you leave?"

Maura threw her hands in the air. "Because, Jane."

"Explain."

"I can't."

"Okay." Jane got very quiet. "Then there is nothing we can talk about any more I guess." She went into the hallway, Maura followed her. Jane was trying to get into her boots.

"Don't leave me." Maura's voice wasn't more than a whisper.

Jane looked up. "What?"

"Don't… don't…" Maura's eyes filled with tears. She stepped from one foot to the other, trying not to cry; scared she would loose Jane again. "Don't go."

"Maura, you don't want to talk to me, so why should I stay?"

Maura's head dropped down, she was shaking. Jane knew her well enough to know that under the curtain of hair, tears would be running down her cheeks. She kicked her boots away and went over to the friend. She hesitated, but then reached out and stroked the blondes hair behind her ears. Maura quickly covered her face with her hands, tried to hide. Slowly Jane pulled Maura's hands away. Maura's beautiful face was wet from tears.

Jane let out a sigh and wrapped her arms around her friend. She held her close when she felt Maura clinching to her, crying at her shoulder. Carefully, Jane ran her hand over her back, trying to calm her down. She pulled back a bit, kissed her cheek, then stroked her hair behind her ears once more. The tears were still running over her cheeks. A sad smile ran over Maura's face. Jane, who still held Maura's face in her hands, wiped away the tears with her thumbs. When Maura closed her eyes, Jane gave her a quick peck on the lips and pulled her into her arms again, trying to comfort her.

They stood there for a while until Maura took a deep breath. Jane let her go. They looked at each other for a moment. "Can we finish the wine?", Jane asked.

Maura nodded. "I will light a fire; we can sit in the living room."

They took their glasses to the fire place and sat down on the carpet. When the fire had warmed them up a little bit, Maura looked at Jane. "Did you say yes?"

"What do you mean?"

"He proposed. Did you say yes?"

Jane looked down at her hand. No rings were decorating her fingers. "Actually", she started explaining, "I said I need to think about it. Then I tried to call you, but couldn't reach you. So I went over to your place, but you were gone already. When… when I came home later, Tom was really angry because I couldn't say yes or no. We started fighting, and… well. That's where this story ends."

"I'm sorry."

Jane knew she was speaking the truth. "That is not your fault. I had a good time with him. But… I thought a lot about this, I had a lot of time… If it would have been the right decision, I would have said yes right away. But something has held me back, and it wouldn't have been the right thing to get married to him."

"I'm still sorry, Jane. I meant it when I said I was happy for you. You were happy, and I want you to be happy" Maura said softly.

"And then you left. Do you think that made me happy?"

"No." Her head dropped down.

"Did it make you happy?" Jane looked around. "Is this your dream? This place, this city? Working around the clock? Do you have any friends here?"

She shrugged. "No. I meet with some friends of the family sometimes, but I don't really care. I like my work."

"You had friends there; you had a home and work."

"But…"

Jane took her hand in hers. "Why did you leave?"

Maura hesitated. "Because… because… I didn't… have you" she whispered.

The brunette looked at her. "I was right there."

"Physically, you were around, yes. We stopped talking, we didn't meet any more. I lost you, a little bit more each day. Damn I am not very good with this… I…" Maura looked up. "I lost you, and I couldn't take that any more. It was killing me."

"Just leaving was easier?"

"How can you think that it was easy?"

"You never called."

"I didn't want to fight., I knew you would be angry. And I knew I couldn't keep going if I would hear your voice…"

Jane got a bit closer, still holding her hand. "I was angry when I realized you lied and ran away. I tried to find you, but couldn't. Then, I got worried. I mean, what if something happened? What if you were ill?" Jane's voice broke. "I was out of my mind when you were gone. I couldn't stop looking for you. It took me all this time to find you. But I was scared every day." Her eyes filled with tears. "You were gone and I couldn't find you."

Slowly, Maura got a bit closer. Jane's let her head lean to her shoulder, when Maura took her hand. "I wish… I didn't hurt you; I didn't mean to…", she whispered. She was deeply shocked about Jane's reaction. She had seen her scared before, but she usually didn't cry easily.

When she recovered, she wiped the tears away. "Sorry."

They sat in silence for a while. "Come on, lets lay down", Maura said. She pulled her up.

* * *

In the darkness of the bedroom, Jane looked at Maura. "When you left, I realized how much we did together. I mean I know we were friends and you were important to me but I didn't know what a huge gap you would leave."

"You know… if I would have called you, I would have missed you even more. I thought about you every day, and I missed you. I missed you so much."

"Did you ever think about coming back?"

"Yes."

"And why didn't you?"

"You would have been angry… or you wouldn't care. Either one of those- and I couldn't deal with the emptiness. I thought your life would have changed so much that there wouldn't be room for me any more. I would rather live without you and think I have a friend there than knowing you are around but you are so caught up in a relationship you don't even realize if I'm around or not…"

"I didn't mean to push you away, Maura, I don't know why that happened. I thought we were fine."

"We were… somehow. Until we weren't." She knew they were just dancing around. "I need to say something, and I want you to listen. I will understand if you won't see it the same way, or if you may not understand me, but I need to say it."

"Okay… but you are not getting married or anything? Or moving to… Timbuktu?"

"No." She smiled into the dark. "Okay… When I left… I knew I felt something for you. I can not exactly say what this is, but I know you are the most important person in my life, and I need you… I need you in my life. You keep me going; you are my friend, my partner. You are… I don't know what this is, Jane. All I know is that you can make me nervous, you can make me smile, and you can make me happy."

She felt Jane breathing quicker.

Then, she reached out for her hand, laced her fingers through Maura's. "You know, when… when I didn't say yes… I always wondered… I mean… I went to see you. He should have been important- but you were." Her voice got soft, but shaking. "You are my partner… I need you. I want you in my life."

Maura closed her eyes, happy smiling.

Jane placed a soft kiss on Maura's fingers. They laid in the dark, fully aware of each others presence, feeling each others warm breathe, enjoyed each others company. Then, Maura bent over. Halfway, she bumped in Janes head. Both pulled back and couldn't help but laugh.

"Ouch, are you trying to knock me out?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Maura, I'm just joking", Jane giggled. "I know you don't want hurt me on purpose."

She took a deep breath. "Let us try this again" she said. She got closer, found Mauras jaw line. She let her finger ran over it only to find her lips. Mauras breath got heavier. Jane felt her open her lips under her touch. Slowly, enjoying every second, she got even closer. "Ready?", she whispered, just a heartbeat away.

Then, Jane rubbed her lips over the blonde's, just a short, quick touch. They hesitated, their faces only inches apart.

"You kissed me" Maura whispered against her lips.

"Yes", Jane whispered back. "I kissed you."

"Again, you kissed me earlier today when I had that… melt down."

"When the hell will you be done filling your words quota for the day?"

"Language, Jane."

"Maura…" Jane laughed. Then she got serious again. "Maura… I have been thinking of you from the day you left. I've been looking for you. This, you and me, this is something… I have been dreaming of you. But I want… to dream with you. You are my challenge, and my comfort."

She closed her eyes, felt relief. She was here; she was really here with her. She was here for her. To be with her. She had been looking for her. She had held her, talked to her. She had kissed her. Twice, if you count a quick peck…

"Maura?"

"Yes, Jane?"

"Maura, I kissed you."

The ME smiled into the dark. She could still feel Jane's lips, so soft, tasting a little bit like the wine they had earlier. "Yes."

They got quiet for a second. "Kiss me back", Jane whispered.

_The End._


End file.
